Talk:KThxBye/@comment-36357373-20190406225247/@comment-36357373-20190408210428
Thank you all for your kind words. I think I'm ready to share what happened because I trust you and this has always been safe space. I really hope you won't think less of me after you read below. I know that's probably silly to say but I haven't told anyone about what's happened because I've been too ashamed. Deep down I know it isn't my shame to carry yet I still do. I don't know if that ever stops. *Trigger Warning* Towards the end of last year, I woke up to someone I trusted touching me inappropriately. This is not someone I was in a relationship with, this wasn't someone who was a romantic interest. I remember my heart speeding up, beating faster than it ever has. So fast I thought it was going to jump out my chest. And I could hear them moving around, touching themselves. I tried to shut my eyes and pretend I was imagining it but I couldn't so I jumped up and confronted them. I told them I knew what they were doing and they accused me of being crazy & sick for even thinking that. They tried to make me feel guilty and I realised that I had no one I could turn to in that moment, to rush out to and ask for help. I sat there, knowing that they'd physically hurt me if I continued confronting them (they already punched my leg and threatened to slap me after I bought up other messed up shit they'd done), and so I pretended as if I was perhaps mistaken. I didn't want to fight and fight and fight only to be told I was in the wrong even if we both knew the truth. They twist things around and know just how to make you feel guilty for their mistakes and I wanted them to stop talking before they could make me doubt myself. I tried to go back to sleep yet this person continued to touch themselves next to me for the rest of the night. They thought I'd gone to sleep but I couldn't force my eyes shut and I was too scared to confront them again because I knew how they'd spin it and try to make me feel bad and doubt myself. I was scared that they'd hit me again, I was scared that they'd try to blame me again, I was scared that in the morning I'd have to deal with the fallout of it. That this person would still be present in my life and I had to find a way to cope. I stayed awake the whole night and they masturbated for that entire time. Thinking about it makes me sick and I'm mad at myself for being so weak and not stopping them. As I lay there, I thought about how my innocence had been snatched from me. How alone I truly was that I had no one I could turn to with this. How this was literally my worst nightmare and I was being punished. You have to know that I wanted more than anything to confront them again but deep down I knew they had more power than me emotionally and physically, and this is a fact they knew as well. If I was stronger, I would have gotten up - night time be damned - and walked out. I would have caused a scene and woken everyone else up. I would have run and never looked back. But I was so scared and knew that if I said anything no one would believe me over them. Whenever they come too close now, I flinch from their touch. It hits me at the worst of times - putting together what led up to that incident, knowing what those smirks mean deep down. And more than anything, I am ashamed of my reaction and weakness. I'm not strong at all. I was sleeping another time after that when I felt lips on mine. I was in a deep enough sleep that I wondered if I imagined it but I remember this person telling me before either incident to leave my door open so it 'doesn't get too warm' (which looking back made no sense??!). I can't sleep properly now and I know I'm fucked up. Its not as severe as what happens to others but this one thing changed me. Broke me in a way I never knew could. I don't know if that was too much to share (you all were very kind below yet I don't wanna make this an awkward place with my shit). All that I ask is that you please keep me in your prayers and send good vibes.